What do you want, really?

There's a great deal of learning to be had when one reads. Textbooks point directly to the topic one is supposed to master while social media directs us to the "right" products or to the lives of someone we are supposed to want to emulate. Then there's the thriller novels that teach the reader to be suspicious of every dark alley or the novel of young love to learn about coming of age. There's a great deal to be said for reading a good cookbook to learn about other cultural delights or feed one's taste buds yummy treats. Lately, I've been reading what some call the classics or the top 100 books of our time. I'm learning all sorts of things, but primarily I'm re-examining what might be true of humans and what might not.

I'll try to explain. While this is such a sorry summary of Melville's Moby Dick (the definitive on whale hunting of the mid nineteenth century era), it is about the immense human need to dominate as fueled by fear and hate right alongside the absolute awareness that dominating via fear and hate never satisfies. A century-plus later Keley's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest uncovers the insanity of our treatment of the insane all the while reminding the reader of the futility of pounding one's head against the wall be it a wall of ocean waves, a room-dividing screen, or the hardened power of a big-breasted charge nurse. Even writings as old as The Bible tell tales of the immense efforts people have expended in attempt to get even with or best a foe. No one ever seems t

o find joy in this endeavor. So why do we do it?

Great question, right?!

One thing I'm thinking contributes to humans being hate-driven at times is this: We don't do very well with tender feelings that are not of the feel-good variety. Sadness, disappointment, loss, hurt, sorrow, fear, worry, helplessness, and the like are often met with messages in the "Buck up" category or in the "You wimp" zone. From an early age we seem to learn one of two things: Hide those emotions even though they are fundamentally a part of being human. Or, turn those emotions into something that makes you win. Those angry, hateful, judgmental stances can hide those tender emotions like nobody's business. The force that comes with anger, hate, and judgment tends to make us think we are powerful and right instead of tender.

I wonder how much energy is expended in all that hostility. Surely more energy is burned up in the fire of hatred than in the tenderness. Plus, it's really hard to comfort or even be with someone who is all angry and hateful. It truly feels like it spills over on to me when I'm around it.

I wonder what it would be like if we made great effort to hold spaces of comfort and kindness when we or others are feeling tender. Would be then comfort ourselves and each other and be quicker to move forward? Would we find solace in sharing our tenderness with people who love us? Would we love each other better if we saw more of the tenderness and less of the bitterness? I doubt very much that anyone is wanting their hostility to turn away those who love them or to cause one's self to be isolated. But that is the most likely outcome of that form of self-protection. Wouldn't it be nicer to have support and comfort when feeling tender? I'll leave that to you to think over. Just know, tender feelings are totally good enough.