First Impressions

I tried to figure out who it was who said, "You don't get a second chance to make a first impression." Some say Will Rogers and others Oscar Wilde. Whoever said it, they were on to something but didn't get it quite right. The gist of the saying, that the way you perceive a person tends to stick with you, seems to be true. However, humans can suspend their initial judgments if they are willing to work to see more.

"Yeah, yeah," you say.

Okay...that does seem pretty basic. Here's the twist. What if the same is true of our impressions from the thoughts we don't even realize we have? We form impressions that have emotions based on first thoughts unconsciously.

"What?" you say.

What if we each have a set of thoughts we developed when we were small (or even yesterday) that helped us to cope with our circumstances at that time...and now they are the first thoughts that sneak in and enter our minds in other situations? What if that first thought that bounces into our minds without invitation is the thought that creates our quick initial impressions of this new situation before we even realize we have had the thought? What if that first thought creates a discomfort similar to the initial discomfort from circumstances of long ago?

"So you are saying that my response to my current situation might be more about a first impression of an intruding thought that I might not even register is there that then triggers a response to that thought and not really to the facts of the current situation".

"YES!" I say a little too loudly because I am excited that you get this.

Here is a sample. When he was seven, Max's dad made fun of Max's prolonged potty training in front of Max's friend, Brad. The friend giggled uncomfortably as Max's dad told stories of a 2-year-old Max trying to learn to use the bathroom. Max's parents had a heat lamp in the bathroom which made the water look pinkish. Max had been afraid of the colored water and would get very anxious about peeing in it which led to difficulties in successfully staying dry. As Max's dad told these stories, Max felt his old fear of the pink wanter in addition to feeling so awkward and embarrassed that Brad was hearing these old stories. He didn't know what to do or say. So he just sat there and let it unfold. When his dad was done telling the stories, it was time for Brad to go home. Max went to his room where he soothed himself reading from the book he had checked out of the school library. He didn't ask Brad to his house again and stopped inviting any friends over though he continued his friendships with playdates at their houses and time together at school and in sports.

Years go by, and Max is an adult. He has his own place which he keeps tidy and comfortable, but he NEVER invites anyone over. He does go to others' homes and often out to public events. He meets someone he likes and and wants very much to move forward in a relationship with this wonderful person, S. One evening S suggests they go back to Max's after a fun night out. Max feels a panic begin inside. His stomach tightens, and he feels flustered. He doesn't know what to say. S picks up on his situation and says, "Max, I didn't mean to be rude and invite myself over if you are uncomfortable. I was just hoping to spend more time with you, and my roommate has her friends over tonight." Max hears this, and says, "I don't know what came over me. Could we just enjoy the night out a little longer?"

Max takes this event to therapy where he unravels the thoughts that bombard him without his awareness and that form his impressions of his situation--danger! He discovers he says things to himself like, "It will be embarrassing." "They will find out about you and what a baby you are." "No one wants to know who you really are, and if they come to your house, they will." "You won't know what to say or do so it will be awkward and awful." These invasive thoughts create shame, embarrassment, and fear even though he didn't know he was having the thoughts. These feelings paralyze him which confirms the thoughts which produce more shame, embarrassment, and fear. The cycle keeps going and grows stronger.

If Max knew he had these initial thoughts, he might avoid the marks of their impression. Imagine he catches the thoughts before they wreak havoc on his feelings and behaviors. He could say to himself, "I know where these thoughts come from. I was 7 and embarrassed that I had been afraid of the pink water. I'm now an adult who doesn't need to hide from his dad's stories. S. likes me, and I like her. I'll invite her over and remind myself that I can do this and need not worry. If an old story about me comes out, I am so better able to handle it now that I am an adult than I was when I was 7. It is normal to have some anxiety about introducing someone to your living space. I have made a nice home and can feel good about bringing S here."

He implements these new thoughts, and the evening goes well! He keeps working on challenging the invasive thoughts and creates new ones that free him from his old impressions and from avoiding time with others in his space.

What old impressions show up as thoughts in your life that keep you from living your best life? What would happen if you let yourself be more aware of them, honored them for keeping you safe back then, and made room for new impressions of your situation that might serve you and your relationships so much better? I double dog dare you to determine that you are totally good enough and can be the master of your first impressions when it comes to your thoughts and their impact on your life.