Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Is there anyone on the planet that has not had to make a decision that seemed impossible to get "right" so that only good came of it? Probably not. I can recall back as far as second grade rather specific decisions I had to make that would lead to painful consequences no matter which set of actions I undertook. Year by year since then, those decisions seem to have become more plentiful. They range in intensity--Do I eat that last piece of my favorite pie knowing the adage "a moment on the lips is forever on the hips?" or leave it for someone else knowing I rarely get the opportunity for Himalaya berry pie? Do I say "yes" or "not yet" to the thoughtful hospice worker who inquire if we should up my father's morphine drip? Do I say no to the invitation to view the northern lights and get to bed early? or do I go and deprive my tired body of needed sleep? Do I say yes or no to various treatments for cancer that may or may not increase my time and may or may not markedly reduce the quality of the time I have?

How do we do it? How do we make these decisions?

Over the years I've journeyed with people of all ages and varied experiences wrestle with the dilemmas they face. There might be as many ways of moving through these choice-making moments as there are humans. Still, there might be a few ways to move through that are more and less satisfying for the individual in the end. Let me share what I've seen about some ways of decision making that lead to sorrows and others that seem to lead eventually to joy.

Some folks avoid. They just don't make the decision. They might gather information incessantly or distract themselves with something else, but ultimately, they just don't put their name to a decision at all. For the avoiders, there seems to be a great deal of loss and suffering. Many opportunities are lost entirely (the pie rots, the parent passes painfully, the northern lights fade, and the cancer consumes the body). The avoider can say, "I didn't make these things happen," thereby they avoid a sense of responsibility which might feel momentarily good. From what I have witnessed, though, it doesn't take long before avoiders don't feel at all good about their role as they feel helpless, incompetent, and lonely.

Some folks have others decide for them. Some do this directly, "Tell me what to do." Others do this passively, "This is what someone else did, so I will," or "I read somewhere that this is the best decision, so I will do it." I often get asked what the right choice is for someone's dilemma or what I would do if the dilemma were my own. I'm sure I frustrate the heck out of those that ask me when my reply is, "The better question is what do YOU need to do here."

Some folks get stuck in the pain of the decision and grow it into suffering. They bemoan the fact that they have the decision to make, that life is unfair, that others did this to them, and other focus points that keep them from moving forward into the best decision for themselves and relief and even joy that comes when sorts through the dilemma and makes one's best decision for themselves.

The people who seem the most joyous and/or least suffering are those who sort through the dilemma, gather enough data, weigh out and prioritize their values, and choose the options that best meet their most prioritized values while violating these values the least. By "most joyous and/or least suffering" I mean these people come away from their dilemma with a deeper understanding of the dilemma itself, a sense of ownership over their decision, a way of making sense for why they chose what they did, and an acceptance of the outcomes --both good and not so good. These choosers have the joy of knowing they did what was right for them and that feels so good even if there is also sadness at the elements that made it a dilemma to begin.

Watch for a future blog about figuring out what you actually value!